Let the 2012 campaign begin!

Please, please, please let Bobby Jindal be the next Republican Presidential candidate. He’s charismatic, well-spoken, popular, he’s obviously interested in the position, and he is mind-bogglingly out of touch with 80% of the American people in a way that makes perfect sense to the other 20 percent. I think he would seem like the perfect candidate to someone who doesn’t have a damn clue, and he wouldn’t make any effort to appeal to moderate voters like McCain did. It would be an idiotic, classless campaign that no conservative pundit could find any way to criticize, and after they find themselves unable to garner more than 26% of the votes, they’ll give up on our country and, hopefully, leave. Africa’s a big country—they can take up the time-honored tradition of parceling out a section of the Heart of Darkness and giving it to neocons, where they get slaughtered by genocidal heroin-addled warlords.

Ahh, the idea alone puts a calm over me…

Finally, a cure

The Destructive Hypocrisy of the Democratic Party

The Republican Party continue to show that they are the heartless, insensitive organization that they have been for the last eight to twelve years, which is why the American people ousted them… let me tell you about the unique hypocracy of the Republican governors… Republicans’ ideas are pure tax cuts, the same tired idea that Americans rejected on November 4th, that didn’t work, that got us into this mess in the first place, that took us from a record surplus from the last Democratic administration into the deficit we’re in now… if you’re a Republican, you don’t understand that if you repeat history you’re doomed to get more of the same… but we want to work with the Repblicans; we’ve extended the hand of bipartisanship. —Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-FL

Problem Solved

I have a solution for our economy. All the people who have invested in Morgan Stanley, AIG, and Bank of America get all their money back, cash, and the three companies are shut down and every executive is let go without severance. All regular employees get one year’s pay. Then the government uses the money they make from auctioning off those three banks to create jobs of real value to society.

Fuck Haleigh Cummings

Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

In this case, those who forget every other white trash, half-baked kidnapping scheme of some helpless little girl which ends in a national spotlight being put on people who brought their own mess upon them will find themselves worrying about some trailer trash kid on the Georgia border being used as bait in some pointless squabble that has no impact on any of us whatsoever.

How people from the civilized world keep forgetting what a useless stretch of land the area is between Ft. Lauderdale and Memphis is beyond me. I couldn’t care less about some girl getting swiped from her home in Northern Florida, even without knowing the facts. The endless fascination this country has of 5-year-old white girls borders on pedophilia.

Then it shows up on the front page of The Oregonian (because this is the most pressing issue for people literally on the opposite corner of the country) and the pieces all fall together. The dad, who was not home with his kids, who does not get along with their mom, leaves them in his trailer with his 17-year old girlfriend. The girl is taken after the trailer is broken into with the brick that they use as a door-opener, which is discovered when the teenage girlfriend (12 years older than the girl) wakes up at 3 a.m. What part of that story could possibly make me give a shit? Is there anybody who thinks this girl has a chance, anyway?

Without some sort of intervention, this five year old girl would end up dying exploding a meth lab in ten years anyway. Maybe this experience will instill some sort of character in her and she’ll become a better person than the other people in her lives because of it. Or maybe she’ll sue Quaker Oats in fifteen years because she was kidnapped while raiding the kitchenette for some instant oatmeal.

[update 3/9/09] Reflecting on the gravity and seriousness of this continuing case of a missing girl, the following are the news reports on Haleigh so far this month:

Family of Haleigh Cummings Gets Visit from Family of Tiffany Sessions

Psychic claims she watched the kidnapping of Haleigh Cummings

Video: Woman dreams Haleigh Cummings is in ‘Adison,’ Missouri

Geraldo Confronts Haleigh Cummings' Dad

So rest assured America, this case is being treated with every bit of seriousness as it should be. They may have called down the police search for this random white girl from the trailer park, but they still have the Sessions family, a psychic, some chick's weird dreams, and Geraldo on the case.

What the children can learn from A-Rod

You can commit any offense, no matter how heinous, so long as you aren't caught until four years after you did it. If you stopped doing it after it gave you the success you need, you can just say you were young and stupid, and you can reap all the benefits of your unethical actions without taking any of the responsibility.

Cheaters can win, so long as they wait until after the moral statute of limitations expires to "own up" to their actions.