And he starts it off with a bang!

So, while perusing the web I find this page... it's a weblog, with all of two entries, one is the obligatory "hey, so I'm going to try this blogging thing" entry and then immediately afterward is some rant about his roommate, complete with an MS Paint depiction of her with a pitchfork and horns (actually, it really looks more like red kitty ears). So I think to myself, this guy is either cleverly ironic or a fucking tool. Since it was me, I just asked, and I said, "both!" So in order to make this nubile blog 33% less shitty, I'll put up a new post, this time with exciting revalations and introspections that show my subtly philiosophical side... of course, anyone who knows me realizes that I'm already the epitome of modern philosophic wit, so that wouldn't really excite them much, and anyone who doesn't know me couldn't give a shit. So, as a bonus, I will reveal a super duper secret about myself that they probably already know anyway or at least wouldn't be surprised by it, but I don't really broadcast it so it's still a good, prevalent point.

I should point out, then, the whole reason why I started this blog. "Don't you have MySpace?" Yes, I have MySpace, thank you. I have two MySpace pages, one for music and one for networking, but I am also aware that MySpace is primarily targeted towards self-absorbed, melodramatic 14 year-olds who haven't yet developed emotions like patience, relativism, or empathy, and with the help of the internet probably never will. I could just imagine using that as my rant-blog, only to have someone I know (Shitbag, for instance) actually read the thing. And since I'm not just a big barrel of negativity, I also have very cool things that happen in my life, like what I would like to share today, that I really don't want to be publicly known for what will reveal themselves as obvious reasons. So, that being said, I use blogger because NOBODY reads blogger unless they're specifically looking for something.

So, I'm single, by nearly every definition of the word. I'm not seeing anyone, there's no one in particular on the horizon... there are friends of mine that I'm sure I'd love to have something more serious happen with, but nothing I'd push or even aim for. Not because I'm not attracted to them, or I'm afraid of being rejected, but because, well, I'm essentially engaged. Yeah. So, there's that.

Given my history, I am sure that those who have known me for a long time would be dubious to my claim that my on-again, off-again relationship with Maria is finally reaching fruition. There are those who have gone so far as to suggest that she is fictional, or if not fictional, an old flame that I claim to still be in touch with, while in fact she's probably off living her own life, occasionally mentioning me in passing when someone finds an old picture of me in the bottom of her closet. It sounds suspicious from the outside. Sure, Rob, there's some girl in Russia who is just DYING to come over here and be with you, and not only that, she's not using you to get her green card and she won't just dump you once she's here to find a real man. To which I say... fuck you. :)

What the hell was I rambling about? Oh yeah. So, I'm still single. Technically. Maria and I aren't dating, we're not together, we're not even in the same country. We haven't seen each other in eleven years. We aren't sure if we'll even still have the flame when we meet again in February. She hasn't said yes to anything, and I've asked the questions, but in a very tentatively "what if" kind of scenario. Jesus, my blogs are long. Anyway, the catch is this– if everything goes as we hope, she could be here as soon as next September, with a rock on her finger and steadfast plans to be here with me for a long, long time. Tens of thousands of dollars would be invested into this, against significant obstacles, and we can't pull it off unless we really plan ahead. So, even though we aren't even back together yet, we've already set plans in action to get engaged, move in together in Portland, and start a new life. Plans are easier to cancel than to make.

But, until February, I'm still absolutely single. So the question is, am I on the dating scene? Is it cheating on Maria? I know what her answer would be, of course, and by that logic anything would be dishonest. I should point out, though, that I wouldn't do anything behind her back, that I've always told her I would tell her anything, and she has specifically said that she doesn't want to know (I told you she was smart). I told her that I would prefer to keep in the know about who she was seeing, though I encouraged her to see whoever she wants (no, not just to vindicate myself, because she's free to live her life, I don't own her), and she has honored that request by letting me know, for example, that she has recently been going out with her ex-fiance. So get it out of your mind that I'm another sleazebag guy trying to find a way to fuck whomever I want without my housewife finding out. It's the 21st century, the battle of the sexes has evolved.

But that leaves the question of the other girls I might go out on dates with. Do they need to know? Are they entitled to be warned if any possible relationship with them has a time limit? Should they be made aware that they have little to no chance of being a permanent soul mate? If so, when? A lot of people I've talked to have maintained that any relationship I get into, no matter how small, is ingenuine. I'm leading the girl on, and betraying Maria. The one piece of that argument that I agree with is this: If I were to tell the girl that there was someone else, and I had no intention of creating anything permanent with her, then she wouldn't invest herself in me. Therefore, if I purposefully avoid telling her about my situation to enable my own desires, any desires fulfilled by that means are unethical.

Be that as it may, a vast majority of us have been in relationships we knew weren't going to work. We're holding out for something better, we're hoping they'll change, we don't want to be alone, we love them so much as a friend that we're afraid of letting them down... the reasons are infinite, but when we make them, they all sound the same to the victim: "I don't want you." Yet we get into the relationship anyway. Why do we do it? All those reasons. Hell, I've started relationships by saying, "I don't see anything permanent between us. What say we have some fun and just see what happens?" Some would say that even that is dishonest, because I should know that women will hear whatever they want to hear and just expect that I'll come around later. I should know, they claim, that when I say that sort of thing, I'm just planting the seed so I can defend myself to my friends when I use the girl for my own purposes and dump her when I've gotten what I want. Aside from that line of logic being completely sexist, it implies that every man should go into a relationship with the presumption that the woman is irrational, self-centered, and hubby-hunting. In which case, why would a guy ever get into a relationship with anyone, ever? The propogation of the species requires me to believe either that a) women are inherently inferior and subservient to men, or b) women are capable of making their own decisions. I refuse to believe the former.

Anyway, I'm getting tired of writing. I think y'all have enough information at this point to make your own judgements. I'll add one last thing: yes, no matter what may happen over the next three months, I will go into any possible coed friendship, relationship, or one night stand knowing that I won't be getting into any serious romance with them. The two caveats are that I actually have a distinct deadline, and there's actually someone else out there. We all get into less-than-ideal relationships while we wait for that Perfect Someone to come along. The difference with me is, I know when she's getting here. I don't date hubby-hunters to begin with, so I don't see myself as taking advantage of some poor girl who thinks I'll lead her through her picket white gate. Nonetheless, is my only just course of action to stay in waiting for my princess to come?

P.S. If not, what are you doing Saturday?