Checking Up on the Past

I just set up my new Facebook account, and of course what makes it so special is its ability to connect people together. It found my friends fairly easily, and the "mutual friends" function certainly helps. It also finds all the people who it thinks are already connected to you, and you can add them to your friends list. What makes this especially interesting is that on the top of the "people you probably know list," there is always the same person, every time I do a search:

My ex-girlfriend.

We didn't really talk for the last couple months that we were dating (thus the break-up). We tried having lunch a couple times, but it was awkward. We sent gossipy emails back and forth at work (we worked in the same company), but I got promoted and she got fired, and thus our last tie was severed. I don't have any yearning desire to get back in touch with her, but I do often think about what she's up to.

Our relationship in many ways seemed kind of like a competition. She was originally my boss, but I was ambitious and she was self-destructive, and the tables turned fairly quickly. She's an artist, and very proud of her creations, and I'm a musician who hasn't been in a band for 8 years. I'm an academic with few friends who is difficult to get along with; she's a socialite who stopped going to school in the 7th grade (though she did get her GED and do a couple semesters of community college). When we last spoke, she wasn't working on her art, she had just been fired, and she had been having trouble getting along with her friends. Most of our mutual friends "took my side" after the breakup, though I ended up alienating them later, many of my older friends had moved to Portland, and I had a job paying twice what she'd ever made.

In short, I won the competition. It's not something I'm particularly happy about; it led to lots of awkwardness that prevented us from being friends again. I wish she had enjoyed the same success. But I did some research, and dug up a few facts on her: she is now a professional artist; she has a new car and a nice, new apartment with a great roommate; I notice on her MySpace page that some of our old mutual friends (whom I no longer talk to) are friends with her again. All is well with the world. I feel like I can continue on my own path, knowing that everything with her is a-ok.

But then, there's that Facebook page.

I can't see the page, because I have to be her "friend" to see it. But there's something in there, something definitive, that makes Facebook certain that we know each other. I don't know what it is. She is on the top of the list, above people I went to high school with, people I regularly talk to, even people whose pictures I have on my page. Something in there has my name written right on it. I like to think it's just some passing mention of this guy she knew. But why is she always right on the top of the list? What is tying us together?

If all is going well with her, you'd think I could just add her. She's obviously doing well for herself, and I'm sure she'd love to share her stories with her old friend. There's just one thing... she'll see my profile, too. And right there, on the top of the profile, just under my name, is my relationship status: "engaged." What's more, it even says who I'm engaged to. It links to her profile. It shows a picture of her. There are several pictures right there with my arm around her.

I don't know how my ex-girlfriend is doing, relationshipwise. For all I know, she's in the best relationship of her life. Maybe she's living with the guy. Or girl. Maybe she's getting more action than a freshman fratboy. But maybe she's not, and I know that when I was single, the last thing I wanted to see was that my exes were all better off without me. Add to that the fact that it's barely been a year since she and I broke up. That means I probably knew my now-fiancee while we were still together. And, in fact, I did.

Things are going well for her. I don't flatter myself into thinking I have that much of an impact on her. But as long as I don't know what kind of impact there would be on her when she found out I was engaged, I don't want to push it upon her. After all, she couldn't have completely forgot about me– I'm on her Facebook page.