I spoke with God today

There's a preacher out today. He was going on about how we were all sinners, waving his bible and telling us how we're all going to hell, blah blah blah, so I just sit out there smoking a cigarette and wait for him to get to the part where his church wants our money. Sure enough, suddenly he says, "you can get to heaven, but you can't get there alone. Man can help you. Are you a private believer? Are you someone who says he believes in Jesus at night, but doesn't act upon it in public? You must show your faith before man!"

Sweet macrame, he couldn't have set it up more perfectly. I shout out, "what about Matthew 12?" He stops and looks at me. He says, "I'm not familiar with..."
"Matthew 12. You've got your book on you, look it up." "We'll talk later," he says, and starts up his spiel. "Talk later? Then what are you telling us? Are you speaking for God or for your church? What about Matthew 6?" He just starts talking right over the top of me.

Then, this girl with a shirt from his church on comes up to me and asks, "what were you saying about Matthew 6?" I reply, "well, are you familiar with Matthew 6?" "Sure," she says, "the Lord's Prayer."
"Right, where it says Our Father, who art in heaven, all that. Well, have you read just before it?"
"No, what does it say?"
"It's a part with Jesus talking to his followers, they're asking about church—well, synagogue—and he says... well, God says..." and then I completely blanked on the passage. So I say (verbatim), "Oh, God, what is that passage?... Oh! 'Speak not before man, as the heathens do, but speak privately at night with your father in a manner such as this.' Then he recites the Lord's Prayer, but it's a paraphrase, not to be recited in church. It actually says specifically in the Bible, do not pray before man, but pray privately to God, at night. It's the exact opposite of what this guy is telling us."
She just stares at me for a long time. Finally, she just says, "thank you," stands up, and leaves the square completely, while her church mates are still busy trying to recruit people.