If you don't take your shorts off, we can't pull the stick our of your ass.

Another day in Tualatin, another God-crazy politician trying to impose his beliefs on his denizens. Stars Cabaret, a dingy strip club, is moving into Tualatin. In Lake-O, they tried to block a new strip club. They failed. In Twally, they tried to block Stars' liquor license. They failed. Now they're trying to add an amendment to the state constitution to block strip clubs. They will fail.

Let's start with step one. The role of government is to cover needs and services of the people. They also have policing responsibilities, to keep people safe. That's why there are liquor licenses— bars have to be accountable for their patrons, ensuring that people are cut off at a certain point, minors aren't given (too much) booze, and no drunken brawls break out. That has NOTHING to do with looking at naked people. Blocking their liquor license is a perversion of their responsibilities and an abuse of power. That is not why they are given licensing authority, and the effort is clearly for the sole purpose of dissuading people "different from them" from doing what they want to do. It is the exact same thing, and I will fight you to the death on this, as preventing Jews from moving into your city because you don't like accountants. It's presumptuous, it's bigoted, and it's flat out fucking prejudiced.

Sidenote: So prejudiced, in fact, that this is how they're trying to include it into the state constitution—where the Constitution states that "no law shall be passed restraining... free expression," they want to add onto the end of it (this is verbatim) "nothing in this section shall be construed to limit or prohibit a local government from imposing... restrictions on the operations of nude dancing businesses."

Let me reiterate: Where the Constitution specifically states that the government shall not impose their beliefs on the people they represent, the city of Tualitin wants to add "except for when the government wants to impose their beliefs on the people they represent." Fucking assholes.

If I lost any of you on that comparison, let's come back for a second. I'm not saying that people who go to strip clubs do so for religious purposes (though some of them might). I'm saying that the only reason why someone would try to ban a strip club is because they have it in their fucked up little Christian heads that anyone who goes to nudey bars does so purely because they have an evil Satan voice in their heads telling them that women are to be used and subordinated, and that the patrons all fantasize about raping the girls as they dance. That is an absolute fucking insult, and borderline hate crime, against professional strippers. Just because you fucking churchies can't go five minutes talking to a little boy without ramming his dick in your mouth doesn't mean the rest of us have demons to expel.

People go to strip clubs purely for entertainment purposes. Believe it or not, it's not even sexual. Very few men (or women) get aroused when they go to a strip club. They just get tired of spending all day and night pretending that there's nothing to appreciate in the female form. It's one of the few things that crazy right-wing puritans and crazy left-wing liberals can agree on: people should be ashamed for having an interest in the female body. No, I don't want to get to know every girl that I want to see naked. Kind of like how I don't want my doctor to fix my car. They're two completely unrelated proficiencies.

So I get fucking tired of forcing my eyes up when a girl walks by. I get tired of people looking aghast at me when I check someone out and proclaim, "you're married!" Most of all, I get tired of dimwitted, bitchy women who spend 4 hours a day making themselves look good getting offended because I don't like their personalities any better now that they got a boob job. To have a place where you can walk in and look straight at a woman and think, "I want her to take her clothes off without me talking to her about her favorite movie," and lo and behold, off comes the top... well, I'd pay good money for that.

So would a lot of people. A lot of people who have no desire to associate with these women otherwise. I actually found out once in college that a stripper I'd seen a couple times went to school with me. She was actually incredibly nice, and I had some great conversations with her, but then I couldn't go to her strip club anymore because I'd feel guilty. It was too... intimate, once I knew her. So you see, I have no idea to get to know these women, let alone get intimate with them. The whole idea is that I can drop the 19th-century conventions that we're held to for one night and watch them do their thing. And you know what? The good ones enjoy it. They've worked hard on their bodies, and they get tired of having to hide them. They want to be able to just shove their implants in some guy's face and say "look at these, fucktard. You want them, don't you? You want these big titties? DON'T FUCKING TOUCH!" Then the guy thanks them and gives them a dollar.

Disgusted? Fucking deal with it.

These are people different from you. I don't fucking understand. People don't like fatty foods, so they want to close down McDonalds. People want to drive by themselves to work, so they want to shut down the bus. People like taking the bus, so they want to install toll bridges. How about we pretend that we're a country that allows you to do whatever the fuck you want to do. Hell, I remember there was a strip club in Idaho that was shut down because neighbors didn't "feel safe knowing it was there." Sharing a building with the strip club was a gun store and a head shop. What the fuck do you care what we do behind the big black door? Hell, even if you happened upon it by accident the bouncer wouldn't let you in.

Which brings me back to the politicians in Tualatin, who should all be fired. Here's the basic math: if your constituents really don't want a strip club nearby, they won't go to the strip club. They're really expensive anyway. If the strip club doesn't go out of business, it's because THE RESIDENTS OF TUALATIN WANT A FUCKING STRIP CLUB.

Don't worry, we deviants in Portland will not be making the drive down to the Twally to check out your nickel-and-dime pastie dancers. We've got clubs here that serve you a porterhouse while the stripper grinds the ketchup. We have peep shows where for five bucks you get to yell "stick your finger in it." We've got an old fuckhouse with heroine needles in the drywall that's being converted into a family restraunt, and—pay attention, now—part of their mission in remodeling is to retain the flavor of the original establishment. So no, you don't have to worry about a new strip club "attracting an undesirable element" into the city. All it will do is give the undesirable element something to do on Saturday night. And in exchange, they'll sleep in Sunday morning, instead of trying to pass legislation to shut down your church.