Have some fries with that, tubby

You know why there are so many ludicrously fat people in this country? Because we're not allowed to call them fat. Some jock kid gave them one too many wedgies because they were too pudgy for gym class, and now they're on the affirmative action boat. Earlier today I passed by one of my fat coworkers waiting at the elevator. I went down one flight of stairs to the break room. A couple minutes later she waddled in. I was half-tempted to tell her "you know what, I think I may have figured out what you're doing wrong." It actually takes less time to take the stairs, and once you're down there, you'll just be sitting in a chair for ten minutes, so I'm sure you'll have time to catch your breath.

My fat friends make fun of me for taking dance classes. So I should be entitled to call them out when they need an armrest to get out of their chair. I take dance classes because it's a fun way to keep in shape, jackass. I walk two miles to work every morning, and it actually takes less time than waiting for the MAX. Instead of walking to Saturday market, I jog there. It's faster, and I get more exercise. You picking up a pattern? Instead of eating burgers every night, I make a casserole and save some money. Instead of getting a coke at work, I buy a chocolate milk. You don't have to be a jock, or a gymnast, or a yuppie with a gym membership to stay in shape. Just be active.

So I'm not going to backpedal because people make the excuse that some people are just born heavier. I wasn't born thin. I've just been active my entire life. And I'm terrible at sports, but that's never stopped me. I play video games all the time, I have a day job where I just sit at a desk, and I'm quite fond of hamburger helper. I've certainly got more fat on me than is biologically necessary, but my gut doesn't hang over my belt and I can jog a mile or two without needing an IV. You're fucking fat. Deal with it. I don't mean "cope with it and accept it," I mean fix your fucking problem. And it's not because you're going to cost government healthcare money when you get diabetes. You will, but it's not like I see you on the street and think 'there goes my FICA.' I don't care about that. What I'm saying is, when I see you on the street, I have a low opinion of you. I think less of you than I would if you stayed in shape. I have "big" friends. I know what "big" looks like. You just never knew when to put down the remote and chocolate bar.