For That I owe

Oftentimes I will be hanging out with someone and they’ll just stop and sigh, lost in their thoughts. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Oh,” they say longingly, “this song. Cindy loves this song.” Or whoever their ex might be who ruined a perfectly good song.

Now, I have a litany of music that I own purely because an ex-girlfriend liked that band. I’ve even been sitting at work, toiling away, when a Beck song comes on, and I’d stop and listen, and I’d have to call up my girlfriend and tell her I love her. Just like anyone, I attach music to memories. Moreover, I have a plethora of songs I wrote about girls myself. Not much chance of detaching those songs from ex’s.

I even have songs that have been ruined by bad memories. “I am One” by Smashing Pumpkins is ruined for me– when I first bought Gish, I was playing a lot of this freeware video game some college dude made called “Billy goes Bowling,” which is basically like Shinobi but instead of throwing shiruken you throw a bowling ball. And you have a dog. And now, any time I hear that song, I just picture that stupid game.

But having a song ruined by a relationship? Never. The biggest reason is probably because I don’t really get hurt by breakups. I don’t get some complex that they don’t want me or that I’m worthless– if I were worthless, they wouldn’t have been with me in the first place. Nor do I feel like something is missing in me when I don’t have them as that song plays– I’ve never really been attracted to the kind of woman who dumps me. And I wouldn’t dump them unless I didn’t want to be with them anymore. There’s only one girl I feel empty without, and while I am without her, her old favorite songs only give me hope and inspiration that I will be with her again.

So, if anything, my ex-girlfriends’ favorite bands only enhance my life. So, to all the girls who have been kind enough to share part of their lives with me, I thank you. Not only for all the wonderful times we’ve shared, but for opening my eyes to bands like Green Day, Operation Ivy, Beatles, Blink-182, Manau, Plastelina Mosh, Sting, Clint Black, Moby, Beck, Soul Coughing, and Eve 6. They’re all perfectly fine artists in their own right, but every time I hear their songs, there’s a part of me that comes out, that you gave me, that makes it personal. For that I owe.