Lothario

At lunch with my (female) friend, I noticed a girl with a distinctive, short-crop haircut and freckles. She reminded me of this girl I palled around with in college, who ended up taking me to her bedroom and going down on me around the end of school. I didn't get around much in college, so this stood out as a memorable event.

Thinking aloud to my friend (who knows I may soon be engaged), I said, "there was this girl in college who, against all odds, had a huge crush on me. She had this really distinctive haircut, and every time I see a girl with that haircut, on a subconscious level I think, I bet she wants to sleep with me."

"Wow," she said, clearly put off by the remark. "You are really narcissistic."

Now, I disagree with that observation. I don't actually think she wants to sleep with me, for one. I was making more of an observation about schemas in the mind than anything else... I presumed that a 35 year-old woman wouldn't be sensitive to sexually charged remarks like that, or else I wouldn't have said it. I also made a point to throw in that crushes on me are "against all odds." And they are. No, stop it, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm not that shallow. But I'm not the kind of guy who attracts people with his appearance. It's what it is.

It occurs to me, though, that I frequently run into this conflict. I know a lot of women who get really uncomfortable at the idea of me talking about sex. Me, personally. And I talk about sex quite a bit. We all do, really. I just tend to talk about it more bluntly than some. I'm also not afraid to make sex jokes, particularly around women who know (or should know) perfectly well that I'm not interested in them.

The disparity, though, that made me realize it was personal came to me when I befriended a true Don Juan whom we shall refer to as the Gay Pirate. Those who are familiar with him knows who I mean. This is a man who, by all objective measures, should be repulsive to women. He's unemployed, he's flunking school, and spends all his time playing video games. He has less hair than I do, a beer gut, a drinking problem, and regularly pisses in the sink. As it would happen, though, he has a string of women who fall all over him whenever they see him. I wouldn't say they all respect him per se, but they clamor for his company, and he can make the most lewd and offensive remarks to them and they just giggle and brush their fingers along his sweaty, acne-covered arm. A good 2/3 of them fuck him.

Now, I've made some salacious comments, in a non-aggressive way and oftentimes not even sexual, to a few of these girls. I don't get the giggle-arm-rub response, but I'm not looking for that, and I'd probably be a little embarrassed if I got it. I certainly wouldn't sleep with any of them– I know where that thing's been. But in at least three cases, they got visibly disturbed by me and openly expressed not wanting to be around me. Now, that's a pretty severe reaction. It's never really hurt my feelings, I think it says more about them than it does about me, but I think it's fair to say that I have no illusions of being a narcissus. I'll add that these aren't the only girls who have been actively turned off to me, these are just the easiest illustration.

Gay Pirate, incidentally, was not above remarking on this disparity. His mistake, though, was to believe that if I couldn't get the girls he could get, I couldn't get any girl at all. Meanwhile, he jumped from one shallow relationship to another, with a whole entourage of girls who give him no sense of fulfillment in any way but pose a constant burden to him and his way of life. I have had a healthy share of fulfilling relationships (and platonic friendships), and I still get laid if I need to. I just go fishing in a different pool– the pool of open, honest girls who aren't ashamed of themselves and realize that sex can be fun if you don't use it as a tool for self-vindication. Girls who don't consider sleeping with me a favor, nor do they expect me to love them for it, who see the mutual benefit in being concenting adults.

Shit, I lost my train of thought.