fuck fuck fuck fuck

I feel as though no human has ever suffered a case of returning-to-work depression as I have today. I don't know if it's true or not. It caught me totally by surprise; I thought I was really looking forward to coming back. But I feel as though I've tasted a life more wonderful than I ever could have imagined, and was torn away from it abruptly and thrown straight into the pit of a sanitized, meaningless void.

I know I will feel fine after a couple weeks or so, but that doesn't even reassure me right now; once this feeling goes away, it will have been because I forgot the feeling of pure joy, that I have again become numb to the idea of a life with meaning, that the part of me that was awakened just two short weeks ago will have again died inside of me.

I want to hold onto this sadness as long as I can.