And he's back with a story

Welcome to March. Here's my story.

Let me tell you a little about my dad. He, like I, is given to pass on interesting anecdotes. This became especially interesting over Christmas, because my mom has some very stuck-up brothers who think that if they don’t already know something, it can’t be true (i.e. they know everything). Actually, my mom’s the same way. This can make for awkward conversations, particularly since they’ve had this belief since 1973, and a lot has changed since then. The size of pigs, for example. Why, one year in recent history my dad saw a 700 pound boar at the Ohio State Fair. He told the family about it, how incredibly huge this animal was. They scoffed at him, and said that it boars were usually around 300 pounds. “I know,” said my father, “that’s what qualifies this one as the largest boar in the world.” But they refused to believe him, and believe it or not, he’s been bitter ever since. Now, any time he sees a newspaper clipping about some 900-pound boar winning a prize, he sends it to my uncle (his former brother-in-law), just out of spite. He’s been doing this for the better half of a decade. Very famous story in my family.

So I’m walking with my aunt along the Esplanade, and we’re talking about people being cynical of the air tram, that it’s just so futuristic-looking that it can’t possibly be practical. I say to her, “well, it’s like my dad says, it’s like the 700 pound boar.” “How so?” she asks. “Well,” I say mockingly, “it can’t be done.” She rolls her eyes. “Ugh,” she says, “that’s an image I didn’t want in my head.” We continue walking in silence, then suddenly she says, “oh wait, did you say a 700 pound boar?” “Yeah,” I reply, “what did you think I said?”

“Ooooh!” she exclaims, slightly embarrassed, “I thought you said it was like a 700 pound whore!” “Oh. Oh! No…” I say awkwardly. “No, like a giant pig, like my dad saw at the fair.” “Ok, I misunderstood.” We then continue walking, kind of awkwardly, since I just gave my 50-year-old aunt a vivid mental image of my dad doing a 700 pound whore.

Looking back on it now, though, you know what the most interesting part about the whole thing is? The joke’s still funny. “It’s like a 700 pound whore—it can’t be ‘done.’” Not very often that a joke’s still funny in its misheard version. Of course, when you’re talking about sex, you can make innuendo out of everything.
Now, if you don’t mind, I’m off to Roxy’s to try out one of their fantastic “Vagitarians.”