Straidar

There are so many tests people come up with to determine if someone's gay. Well, now that being gay is chic, what about ways to determine if someone is not gay? I'll start: if you see a happy straight couple walking down the street and you feel the need to taunt them and call them "breeders," you're not gay. You're a fucking prick. Every ethnic and religious group has their fair share of assholes. I've seen black people call white people "cracker," Latinos calling Anglos "gringo," dumb people calling smart people "nerd." All of those people are fuckwads. That being said, they all have one thing that gay people don't: if the entire world was composed of just black people, we'd be just fine. People further from the equator would lose their color over time (they already did once), but there would be no short-term consequence of an all-black, all-latino, all-dumb world.

If everyone in the world were suddenly gay, humanity would cease to exist within eighty years.

So that makes me a gay-hater, right? Just like if I'm not particularly fond of vegetables, I must hate food. Gay people have all sorts of genuine problems to deal with in their life. And every time someone comes prancing into the mall wearing skintight see-through clothes and squealing with a lisp, they become one more challenge that gay people have to face. I've got a secret for all you flamers out there: I get it, you're a teenage schoolgirl trapped in a man's body. You know what? Every time I see a teenage schoolgirl dressed like a whore squealing in the mall, I want to kick her in the teeth until she forgets her middle name. There are two reasons why I don't: I respect people's ability to express themselves, no matter how misguided they may be, but more importantly, eventually those schoolgirls will grow up to be self-respecting women with consideration for people around them.

My roommate acts like a flaming gay man. She has a lisp, she's flighty, she spends all her time doing her hair and checking to see if her ass looks big, and shops for the lattest slutty clothes on sale at Forever 21. Once she was reprimanded at work because her tits fell out of her halter top and she couldn't even figure out what she did wrong. My roommate is fucking retarded. So why would I have any sensitivity for a grown man acting like my idiot roommate? All the affirmative action in the world cannot protect a grown man who wears clown makeup from being a failure. Christ, even Eddie Izzard dresses appropriately when he's in a film.

So it's not your being gay that offends me. Its your acting like a 12 year old. We stopped playing house years ago, we went out and got jobs and a life. But you clearly don't care what I think, so think about this instead: every time you're out talking trash to someone for not being straight, you just added one more step for real gay people to climb before reaching equality.

Oh, and those kids that the breeders are having? A third of them will be gay. You're welcome.

Thanks to Brandy for her contribution to this blog.